Translation of a Match.Com Personal:
How she describes herself
ok, here it goes . . . I'm an early riser, love sunshine, walk barefoot in the grass, kick off my sandals when driving anywhere, a speed demon, hell of a dancer, icecream lover, believe laughter will cure most ills, honest, silly, and love to smile! I'm a casual yet classy type of girl who'll give ya a kiss if I receive flowers, but not the run-of-the-mill roses, please. (I'd much rather have wildflowers, violets, or even a sunflower). Picnics with your best china, going to fancy restaurants just to order dessert, and dancing is always a must have--anytime, anyplace! Oh, and sometimes I'm clueless & I'm clumsy, but that's just a part of who I am!
She Really Means...
I say I'm all things Brady Brunch, but in reality I'm a confusing pattern of subterfuge and latent psychological tremors. My goal is to entice you with promises of sweet and blissful carefree romps, when in reality the rewards are more akin to a spider's web -- tangled and misleading emotional tapestry strewn with the dessicated husks of former lovers. These poor fools, like you, were naive enough to think these permiscuous lips were capable of delivering anything but a greedy and paralyzing bite. Like wildflowers that grow atop a compost heap, my charm and poise are a but a jeweled crown atop a used and rotting remains of that which once was beautiful. Woo me with false extragances, for I long to see the hard earned wealth of your labor fly from your coffers to alieviate the boredom brought on by my existensial crisis. A crisis that soon flies from my empty head, as it whirls and teeters around the gaudy dance floor like a destructive maelstrom scattering the pieces of your shattered china heart.
How she descriubes her ideal match
I'm looking for someone who will make me laugh! Good sense of humor, doesn't take life too seriously, capable of intelligent conversations!, atheletic, spontaneous, loyal, makes others feel comfortable, and will understand if I need my space. Talk to ya later!
She Really Means...
I want a man with a harmless wit and a heavy hand. One who never strikes my sensitive ego, but expresses his love with oafish fists. In short, I want a beefcake with a thin pretensile icing of brains.
Posted by Ralphie at August 1, 2026 04:04 PM