An Alcoholic's Rant
While reading Being Jen Rajkowski, I came across a reference to an article in the Washington Post (which I admittedly don't read as much as our homegrown and severely biased Frederick News-Post) about The Buzz of 'Malternatives'. Or, as I like to refer to them as, Lemon Flavored Shit-Piss.
Now, I am a beer snob. Hell, I'm an alcohol snob. I stock my bar with expensive Scotch and have an ice laden cooler on my deck filled with beautiful lagers. I respect the skill and work ethic that has kept such exquisite products on the market since the very moment some jackass let grain go to rot however many thousands of years ago. Booze is good. Booze is your friend. Booze make your mind go bend.
However, I'm biased against all forms of foo-foo. Wine coolers. Syrupy cocktails. Chambord infused 'mega-ritas'. Any fucking drink where you have to insert a fucking lime wedge. Chick drinks.
Even so, I can accept all of these little imperfections in the universe because they do not fuck with two blessed, delicious, and soul-fulfilling things --
BEER and WHISKEY(WHISKY)
These puppies are what keep me going. They bring me joy, dropping it at my feet like a well gnawed bone. Nothing makes my saturday morning like a tall frothy glass of Yuengling lager, and nothing soothes me in the evenings like a snifter full of a fine Single Malt Scotch (Glenmorangie or Oban, thank you).
BUT!!!
Some asshole had to start some shit with me!
Back when I was in highschool, the corporate fucks of America tried to convert men into pussies with the release of ZIMA. ZIMA, unlike wine coolers or Jack Daniel's fucking cocktails, is FLAVORED BEER! Moreover, unlike the panzy-ass shanties of London, THEY TRIED TO HIDE IT!
WHY?
Because some strange people, lame and worthless people, lacking moral fiber and intestinal fortitude, don't like BEER and WHISKEY(WHISKY).
Its because of these fucks that corporate America has institutionalized the concept and execution of FLAVORING BEER.
Now, any man knows that beer is flavored with HOPS and MALTED BARLEY AND THAT'S FUCKING IT, DAMNIT!!! And back then, in high school, we knew. We knew the truth. Every panzy caught with a bottle of the shit was beaten alive. And, soon enough, ZIMA went away.
But now! Today! ZIMA is back! On the heels of the monstrosity of Malternatives.
Been watching the Boob Toob lately? Have ya caught the fucking Morgan Gold commercials? Smirnoff fucking Ice? Bacardi fucking Silver?
ITS FLAVORED BEER PEOPLE! That ain't RUM! That ain't VODKA! ITS FLAVORED BEER!
And if you don't believe me, LOOK ON THE FUCKING LABEL!
Tell your friends, tell all of your friends! (You do have them, don't you?) Let's put an end to this shit now!
Posted by Ralphie at July 26, 2026 07:45 AM