Yo, Geeks! Vinnie likes swords so does this guy, check out 8-bit Theater and the bella comic about some old shit.
Yo! It's your good pal Vinnie da Club here. I'm gonna give youse geeks some tips on how to get women. First we'll start with the basics: Understanding female language. Here's my "Glossary of Woman's terminology"
1. Let's Just be Friends: No I will never fuck you. I would never in a million years consider this a possiblity. Perhaps you hit your head back on our date and you are having a major delusional episode which has in some way deluded you into thinking I could ever find you in any way attractive. I will now take you into my confidence, and proceed to seek your advice on how to best deal with the guys I am currently fucking. Let me reiterate that you are never to be among these many, many men. Even as I describe all of your qualities that they are lacking but I desire, you will never enter into my twisted and illogical equations. Except as the sideshow phoney or more aptly put, my bitch. Beg doggie...beg.
2. You're such a Nice Guy: I have effectively just castrated you for any woman in a hearing radius. You will never fuck me unless you manage to render me unconscious, but even then, I will be laughing at you in my dreams. I can't believe what a complete loser you are. Nice guys offend me because I would feel guilty cheating on one, were my blackened cancerous soul capable of such emotion. I want to be a punching bag because I can't respect a man who respects me.
3. You're so Funny/You Make me Laugh/I Like a Guy with a Sense of Humor: Def 1. God I'm such a FUCKING liar Def 2. Riddle me this: What's naive and gullible and will never get laid by me? Give up? You. Why do I need humor when I've got my sarcastic and demeaning girlfriends to ridicule dorks like you behind your backs. I think humor is a way for nature to mark it's unbreedable stock.
4. I Would Date a Fat Man, if he Were a Kind and Nice Person: Hahahahahahahahahahahahah.....ahhh...Ok, I'm finished...no wait...hahahahahahahahahahah....ahh...a fat guy...ha! A nice guys bad enough, but a FAT nice guy is like a wingless duck in hunting season.
5. How Come a Guy Can Sleep Around, but if a Woman Does It She's a Slut?: Def 1. I'm angry that society still holds me to some degree of virtue when honestly I'd like nothing better than to screw everything in sight except you, of course. Def 2. Monogamous intercourse is the antithesis of my existence. Def 3. A trusting relationship is one where I can cheat and not get caught. Def 4. Marrying the millionaire is only truly advantageous when you can fuck the poolboy...and the milkman...and his brother.
6. Why Aren't Men Chivalrous Anymore?: I want all the perks of chivalry, but I'll be damned if I get treated like the lady we both know I'm not.
7. This is the Last Time I'll Take You Back: Def 1. This is not the last time I'll take you back, you have many more years of beating me and screwing other woman ahead of you...enjoy! Def 2. Catching you fucking my neighbor is really a sign of you erecting tighter bonds with the community. Def 3. If loving someone means accepting the fact that they are a dangerous and perhaps diseased asshole who does not love me, I have no problem with that. I wish that you could cheat more, just so I could show my girlfriends what a forgiving person I am. Def 4. If I wasn't OK with your relentless infidelity I wouldn't have been the jealous bitch who broke up your marriage.
8. It Feels Like You're Just Using Me: I should know because I was trying to use you, but I resent you now, because you were successful and I was not. I'm going to go sulk now and whine to my figuratively castrated male friend who dreams of cuddling with me.
9. I Need a Man who is Romantic and Spontaneous: Romantic but also very practical, I don't want some guy who actually has feelings or anything, that would creep me out. A truly spontaneous man should always be planning elaborate vacations and amusements to keep me occupied so I don't have to think about screwing his friends. A diamond ring is very spontaneous, I would like one every month on our anniversery, but try to keep it a surprise. Cash is also romantic.
10. I Need an Caring, Sensitive Man: Having no emotions myself I'd like to see one in person some time...then I'd like to see an Emu, I hear they're cool too.
11. Stalker: Man who no longer dates me. You. Not to be confused with the English word stalker which means: one who stalks prey and is an actual legitimate threat.
Vinnie: One who wishes he didn't believe everything he just typed.
I just wanted to say that I love peppers. Green, Yellow, Orange, Red, Spicy, Hot, Mild, Sweet. Roasted, Stuffed and Fried. Boiled. Sauted. Steamed.
So Beautiful.
I just got my new Farscape DVD, with ole Scorpy prancing about. Overdue, delayed, and definately overpriced. But fun. Giggle worthy. I say, put the commentary back in, or drop the price. Kiss off ADV.
Today I received a message from my sister :
"I hope that you have a GREAT day. I look forward to seeing you at the premier event in town- "BIG SISTER DAY" held at the most renowned hotel in Frederick, The Ritz at St. Andre's, in the posh suburb of Robin Meadows. Cheers!"
In light of the fact that I am the renowned guest chef at said Ritz, it would seem that attendance is mandatory.
This is the inherent flaw of being a foodie, renowned in your own circle of family and friends - pro bono compulsory employment. Its made all the worse because all my sisters are obsessed with seafood, and the lean, healthy flesh of the slimy buggers from the sea ain't cheap. Even Catfish, cheap eats of the cash starved south, will run you 5.99 a pound up in these parts. Let's not even talk about da tuna. Ouch.
I am bored.
This is *NOT* good.
In addition, since I forgot to pay my cable bill, I can't fall asleep to Emeril anymore. :-(
SO, hey, I thinks, I'll try all that chatting stuff on AOL. BIG MISTAKE. WHAT A BUNCH OF MORONS!!! Good Lord. Sweet Jesus I had no idea that mankind had degenerated to that level of stupidity. Exactly what joy can one derive by typing 'hey room' and '(grabs ass) yo sweety' to a digital mass of inbred imbeciles with dull, rusted wits and itchy typing fingers (that oh so terrible transmitted disease -- the bane of Cyber sex).
Behold - I have abandoned all hope. This is indeed the inner circle of hell, and Dante is over in the corner, giggling like some rancid and decayed chickadee strung out on heroin and cream puff cookies.
What this means, dear beloved readers, is that I am at last confronted with my eternal fear -- humanity and its seething masses. My last refuge of solitude and anonymity has been transformed into another cesspool of 'me too's and excessive verbalage by those who cannot hold a firm grasp on the concept of communication. I must go forth into the jungle of civilization, with its trees of men and women, because the barbarians have slipped past the gate and are now running the fucking town hall, and Chief Dipshit has been elected mayor.
The nerds have been kicked of out Egghead City, and we must now find someway to reincorporate with the caustic fucks who deported are asses in the first place.
Don't you understand the complete and utter horror? I have to go to a public place and find FRIENDS! Hell, I have to ask women to date me. Ask? A girl?
Dear lord. The last time I attempted this massive, Herculean task, it was the apartment summer pool party. Whereupon my 'mingling' attempts commenced, and I was summarily insulted and made the butt of jokes coming not from the teenagers, but from the thirty something skanks with souls of ill repute.
Look, these people are assholes. And I'm talking the dirty kind. If I wanted to consort with these fools, I would have capitulated by now and listen to N'Sync while wearing P Diddy camo underwear, wiggling my fingers about as I screamed "Detroit, Detroit!" NO! I am an elitist shit.
So, I am out of my depth here. Its a Tuesday night, no TV, and I'm clueless how to act. And I'm bored.
And when I'm bored, bad things happen. Bad, bad things.