DETOX
We are on day 6 of The Purity Call. No booze, no schmooze, no ice cream, no cake, no hamburger, no steak.
I woke up this morning tasting lager in my mouth, and an inexplicable desire to wolf down a medium-rare hamburger topped with crumbled Maytag blue cheese, on a toasted kaiser roll with saved red onions, fresh ripe and tasty tomatoes sliced thin and juicy, the bun smeared with a thin but substansive layer of mayonaise...
Drat.
Mayonaise. Greasy, slimy goodness. One of my favorite movies, The Whole Nine Yards, featured a scene where Bruce "I Need To Show Off My Cock" Willis ranted about the Canadian use of mayonaise as a hamburger condiment. He preferred ketchup, that vile tomato based corruption of an even more vile chinese fish sauce. Eww. Never trust a guy who prefers ketchup to mayo *and* will drop his drawers without warning.
God, I want a beer.
The Babelfish Beer and Tits Translation:
Auf Deutsch:
BIER UND TITS
Bier und Tits,
Tits und Bier,
Der Zwei Sache-Gott Setzte Es Auf Diese Masse
Daß ich lieb halte.
Ich wünsche mich könnte,
Ich wünsche mich konnte,
Spiel mit einigen Tits heute abend.
Aber, das ermangelnd,
Brauen würde tun,
Aber Lush, daß ich bin,
Ich habe keine von dem auch.
Ersparen Sie mir so Schmerz,
Und holen Sie mir Freude,
Wie ich weg weine,
Die Stunden ohne ein Spielzeug.
This is what I want for christmas:
https://secure.lodgemfg.com/storefront/product.asp?idProduct=2767
It should be apparent to everyone that I am going through withdraw. Please bear with me.
And, so, on the subject of Love:
The KJV:
1 Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
The NIV:
1 Corinthians 13
1If I speak in the tongues[1] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[2] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Love or Charity, Through a Glass Darkly or A Poor Reflection In a Mirror? To which does the poet and the fool owe his affection?
BEER AND TITS
Beer and Tits,
Tits and Beer,
Two Things God Put It On This Earth
That I hold Dear.
I wish I could,
I wish I might,
play with some tits tonight.
But lacking that,
A brew would do,
But Lush that I am,
I have None of that too.
So spare me pain,
And bring me joy,
As I weep away,
The hours without a toy.
Dorky Revelation Du Jour
I admitted to a girl today that I bought a toy at Otakon. Oddly enough, she was OK with that.
And for dinner tonight, I had fettucine noodles with two cans (respectively) of french cut green beans and black-ass peas, and dressed with olive oil, garlic infused vinegar, 4 1/2 cloves of minsed garlic, and topped with shredded cheddar cheese.
The Club sends his regards: "A litle chaos now and then, is relished by the wisest men. I stole that from Willy Wonka, but fuck it."
Dorky Revelation Du Jour
I have just received my first suit of Power Armor in Fallout:Tactics, a goal achieved only by slaughtering the inhabitants of Coldwater. I have given up drinking, at least for the forseeable future, since my mother is under the impression that I am an unredeemable lush.
And for breakfast today, I had a toasted sesame bagel, with cream cheese, bacon, and fresh tomato slices. Oh, and two lackluster cups of company coffee.
Translation of a Match.Com Personal:
How she describes herself
ok, here it goes . . . I'm an early riser, love sunshine, walk barefoot in the grass, kick off my sandals when driving anywhere, a speed demon, hell of a dancer, icecream lover, believe laughter will cure most ills, honest, silly, and love to smile! I'm a casual yet classy type of girl who'll give ya a kiss if I receive flowers, but not the run-of-the-mill roses, please. (I'd much rather have wildflowers, violets, or even a sunflower). Picnics with your best china, going to fancy restaurants just to order dessert, and dancing is always a must have--anytime, anyplace! Oh, and sometimes I'm clueless & I'm clumsy, but that's just a part of who I am!
She Really Means...
I say I'm all things Brady Brunch, but in reality I'm a confusing pattern of subterfuge and latent psychological tremors. My goal is to entice you with promises of sweet and blissful carefree romps, when in reality the rewards are more akin to a spider's web -- tangled and misleading emotional tapestry strewn with the dessicated husks of former lovers. These poor fools, like you, were naive enough to think these permiscuous lips were capable of delivering anything but a greedy and paralyzing bite. Like wildflowers that grow atop a compost heap, my charm and poise are a but a jeweled crown atop a used and rotting remains of that which once was beautiful. Woo me with false extragances, for I long to see the hard earned wealth of your labor fly from your coffers to alieviate the boredom brought on by my existensial crisis. A crisis that soon flies from my empty head, as it whirls and teeters around the gaudy dance floor like a destructive maelstrom scattering the pieces of your shattered china heart.
How she descriubes her ideal match
I'm looking for someone who will make me laugh! Good sense of humor, doesn't take life too seriously, capable of intelligent conversations!, atheletic, spontaneous, loyal, makes others feel comfortable, and will understand if I need my space. Talk to ya later!
She Really Means...
I want a man with a harmless wit and a heavy hand. One who never strikes my sensitive ego, but expresses his love with oafish fists. In short, I want a beefcake with a thin pretensile icing of brains.
It is time, once again, for vapid antics.
I bring you, Valkyrie Disco Dancing!!!
Staying Alive... Staying Alive...
Yammies Rule!!!