An Alcoholic's Rant
While reading Being Jen Rajkowski, I came across a reference to an article in the Washington Post (which I admittedly don't read as much as our homegrown and severely biased Frederick News-Post) about The Buzz of 'Malternatives'. Or, as I like to refer to them as, Lemon Flavored Shit-Piss.
Now, I am a beer snob. Hell, I'm an alcohol snob. I stock my bar with expensive Scotch and have an ice laden cooler on my deck filled with beautiful lagers. I respect the skill and work ethic that has kept such exquisite products on the market since the very moment some jackass let grain go to rot however many thousands of years ago. Booze is good. Booze is your friend. Booze make your mind go bend.
However, I'm biased against all forms of foo-foo. Wine coolers. Syrupy cocktails. Chambord infused 'mega-ritas'. Any fucking drink where you have to insert a fucking lime wedge. Chick drinks.
Even so, I can accept all of these little imperfections in the universe because they do not fuck with two blessed, delicious, and soul-fulfilling things --
BEER and WHISKEY(WHISKY)
These puppies are what keep me going. They bring me joy, dropping it at my feet like a well gnawed bone. Nothing makes my saturday morning like a tall frothy glass of Yuengling lager, and nothing soothes me in the evenings like a snifter full of a fine Single Malt Scotch (Glenmorangie or Oban, thank you).
BUT!!!
Some asshole had to start some shit with me!
Back when I was in highschool, the corporate fucks of America tried to convert men into pussies with the release of ZIMA. ZIMA, unlike wine coolers or Jack Daniel's fucking cocktails, is FLAVORED BEER! Moreover, unlike the panzy-ass shanties of London, THEY TRIED TO HIDE IT!
WHY?
Because some strange people, lame and worthless people, lacking moral fiber and intestinal fortitude, don't like BEER and WHISKEY(WHISKY).
Its because of these fucks that corporate America has institutionalized the concept and execution of FLAVORING BEER.
Now, any man knows that beer is flavored with HOPS and MALTED BARLEY AND THAT'S FUCKING IT, DAMNIT!!! And back then, in high school, we knew. We knew the truth. Every panzy caught with a bottle of the shit was beaten alive. And, soon enough, ZIMA went away.
But now! Today! ZIMA is back! On the heels of the monstrosity of Malternatives.
Been watching the Boob Toob lately? Have ya caught the fucking Morgan Gold commercials? Smirnoff fucking Ice? Bacardi fucking Silver?
ITS FLAVORED BEER PEOPLE! That ain't RUM! That ain't VODKA! ITS FLAVORED BEER!
And if you don't believe me, LOOK ON THE FUCKING LABEL!
Tell your friends, tell all of your friends! (You do have them, don't you?) Let's put an end to this shit now!
Otakon 2002 is Coming (July 26, 27 and 28)
I am particularly intereted in the ADVFilms presentation. As all true Scapers know, ADV are the guys who put out the FarScape DVDs in the states.
BEHOLD THE ABSURDITY!!
THE MUCH BALLYHOOED CHICKEN WING!!!
It Lives Still!!!
Now do you see? Now do you understand? Can you now empathize with me? Do you now realize that I must live each and everyday with the knowledge that *THIS* *MONSTROSITY* *IS* *MINE*????
THE HORROR!
BTW, as an aside, I should have let this out earlier. I was going through the McDonald's drive thru, and was reaching into my pocket to extract my wallet, when all of a sudden I was looking up at the ceiling of the Wing's interior. You see, the seat back's recliner mechanism went shit for tits and I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Behold the crowning disgrace!
The BROOM HANDLE 2000!
Back from the Dead!
Of the many professed reasons for my self-imposed exile from my site, the one I'll admit to the least is the one that is the most truthful.
Its was an eye-sore.
That being said, acknowledged, stated loudly and with acidic temperment, let's put it out of our minds. Today we return to a cheesier, more colorful adaptation of my free-time thoughts to electronic form. Also, we may yet see the return of Vinnie 'the Club', if only for a few acerbic posts. Acerbic. Hmm. I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that was the right word to use. Felt right as it rolled of the tongue that narates my internal monologue.
At any rate, this is a bastardized layout. Its a modified Blogger template by some chap named... let see here... ah, Nikolai Nolan who lives at fairvue. Had to had in the Skull, of course, now with super-duper green glow. Had to mess with the text settings, and some more super-duper green glow, you know stuff like that.
I copied in the last three updates from the previous design, since they were added manually. This also marks the return to Blogger, since THERE HAS YET TO BE A SINGLE CGI SCRIPT TO RUN PROPERLY ON THIS SITE!!! Oh, damn, did I write that out loud?
Ahem.
Today's link of the day is the View Askew quiz. Click and find out who you relate to in a Kevin Smith film. For the Record, I came up as Brodie.
Lindh Admits Guilt to Two Charges
Headline stolen from the Washington Post.
The Post leads with "John Walker Lindh, the suburban American who converted to Islam and later volunteered his services to the Taliban army in Afghanistan, pleaded guilty this morning in federal court in Alexandria to two felonies that will land him in prison for up to 20 years."
With the advent of high technology and its application to the science of warfare, deathtolls are rarely catastrophic. With the exception of the nuclear devices used to end World War II, the 20th and 21st Century battlefields send only paltry thousands to meet their maker. The use of highly trained, mobile, and rediculously equipped special forces to eliminate small and isolated targets further reduces the loss of life and increases the loss of infrastructure. In light of this, it suddenly becomes clear why the media and the government of the United States seems to care about one spoiled child.
If there are only a few thousand dead after months of destruction, and the their is no infrastructure to destroy to halt non-existent military production, then a confused young man who has never engaged in combat can seem to be something to talk about. What eludes me is why this nessecitates a trial.
This goes back to the issue of a 'non-military combatant.' I didn't start out caring one way or another, but I'm beginning to understand the absurdity of this. If the man is a soldier in an army, then it stands to reason he's a military combatant. Seriously. That would make him a POW. Not a terrorist. Further, considering that Lindh was convicted of "willfully supplying services to the Taliban" and "carrying an explosive device while committing a felony", the US gov't is conveintly side-stepping their professed reason for prosecution. Effectively, Lindh has been convicted for showing up to work, and for carrying a grenade in the process of doing so.
What have we learned? The kid's a dork and his head isn't wired straight, just like everyone under the age of 25. Second, despite the fact that its a big world with a lot of people, its getting harder and harder to act like an idiot and expect noone to notice. Further, the US gov't has gotta a lot of time on its hands.
So, America, do your kids a favor and don't let them out of the country and out of your sight until you know they won't do something stupid.
Incidentally, Fox News has a transcript up on their site with the Mother of the child involved in the (for lack of a better term) 'Pledge of Allegiance Incident.' Turns out they're both Christian.
Der Huhnerfluegel
Project : Chicken Wing Updates
The Chicken Wing is now properly insured, at the tender cost of $666 a year.
Took 30 minutes to remove the faggoty ass Le Bra on the front fascia. There was an unholy amount of dirt and dust and nasty stuff caked on underneath.
And it failed inspection - yay!
Ailments :
Left front tie-rod is shot.
Right front cv boot is shot.
Both rear rotors are joyously hosed.
The right headlight is upsidedown.
Oh, and there's holes in the trunk from the previous spoiler.
Locks don't quite work right.
Interior carpet is mildewed and smelly.
Dashboard is cracked and melting in places.
Dent running the length of the front right fender.
Hood slightly askew and bent.
Chair missing front right bolt (only attached to floor at 3 of 4 points)
Driver side floor carpeting very holey and wrong.
Did I mention the smell?
It aint no thing but a Chicken Wing
By circumstance, or rather my sister's totalitarian rule over her spineless bitch of a boyfriend, I have now taken possesion of The Chicken Wing.
The Chicken Wing is a Nissan 240sx, of indeterminate age and lacking structural integrity. It is puke grey in color, save where the paint has been scraped away from adventure. There are dents and scrapes along its right fender, thanks to the time my sister picked a fight with a semi. Its namesake, however, is the gigantic ricer wing affixed to its diminuative backside. The holes from the previous spoiler had been filled in, hastily and poorly, with rubber cement, and now leak into the trunk when it rains. Switch gear inside the 'cockpit' is broken, it is cursed with an automatic transmission.
But hey - its a got a CD player! FUCK THE KIA!
Now, since Project : PIPBoy was and is an absolute fucking disaster of glorious proportions, we now have PROJECT : CHICKEN WING to consume my mounds of free time.
1) The Pre-lims -
1a)To re-register this puppy in my name.
1b)To construct an appropriate logo, namely of a screaming, wingless chicken.
1c)Insurance and all that jazz.
2) REMOVE THE FUCKING WING, POST HASTE
3) Clean it out
4) PIMP IT.
More details forthcoming.